Emmy beauties, busts and breasts.

I don't watch award shows. I don't watch enough TV to know who half the 'talent' are (Do Survivor contestants really count as talent? Seriously??) and I don't have a long enough attention span to sit through  the obligatory thank you speeches (to managers, to mothers, to lovers, to mistresses, to podiatrists) that follow.

What I do on award nights is generally a) work, and b) judge the stars and their hideous, hugely public mistakes.

Below--a recap of the stars that shone. And those who have clearly gone off their meds and fired their stylists.

THE SHINERS

Kate Walsh - I both admire that color on you and also the way your breasts are doing their thing in a dress that is clearly not meant to support adult size anatomy. Well done.

I know that cancer research is a priority, but shouldn't scientists be investigating how Heidi Klum maintains such a perfectly round, beach ball-esque bump?

Toni Collette--you go girl. That's all I have to say. You GO!

 

Olivia Wilde was the stunner of the night. I saw this dress in person and it was just as magnificent as it looks in the pictures. How it stays on is anyone's guess, but damn it looks good once it's on.

 In fact, she looked so good, the goodness warrants two pictures. Gorgeous.

THE STINKERS

Let's get the worst out of the way immediately. Because I need to address this and then never look back. Victoria Rowell. I'm gonna be real. I have absolutely no idea who you are. But friend--this dress is not ok. It is not even ok in some alternate universe where awful style is acceptable and you can dress like a blue dollar bill. The only thing that is redeeming about this dress is that there are no sleeves. Because any more of this pattern and I might have become severely ill.

I'm not sure what it is about this dress. But Mila Kunis evokes an image for me of Glenda, the Good Witch. Just imagine a wand in her right hand. Close your eyes. Click your heels three times. Make a wish. And perhaps this outift might start to look better.

I adore Patricia Arquette. She's my favorite Arquette, in fact. I adore Medium. I think Medium should win lots and lots of Emmy awards. I do not adore this dress or the gigantic mountain of a breast that's emerging from it however.

Til the next award show and the next style catastrophe,
Jessie B. R.