Monday, December 08, 2008

Multiple reasons to hate the mall. At the holidays and all year round.

The mall, more specifically the Beverly Center, is pretty bad on a daily basis. Amongst the reasons I'm not a fan:

The headless mannequins (pictured left).

The more 'mature' ladies in the shoe department shopping for inappropriately high heels. Parading around in mini skirts and asking their friends, 'do these look alright on me?' Well no, deary, they don't! Perhaps we'd all be better off if you'd visit the orthopedic shoe store on level one and ask your tailor to add 10 inches back to that skirt.

The couples who hold hands on the escalators making it impossible to pass by.

And the countless employees in the department stores asking if I'd like to 'try the best cologne in the world.' No, I've already stocked up on my Jessica Simpson scent for 2009, thank you.

But during the holidays, the place becomes--simply put--unbearable. I entered the Beverly Center yesterday to find this picture of holiday unholiness (pictured left) outside of Macy's. That's right. One of Santa's stilettoed sluts wearing next to nothing chatting up little children. Imagine--this little boy will grow up to think it's ok to sit in a nearly naked lady's lap and ask her for 'presents.' Would you let your child talk with this lady? (If the answer is yes, it's probably best not to tell me.)

Worst of all, a young lady had a baby chihuahua on the floor of the crowded mall. A. You are not supposed to have young puppies out and about. B. If something's smaller than a purse and not attached to a body, I may just step on it. C. She let it pee on the floor! Seriously!? Just because it's cute, doesn't mean I want to step in it's urine while I'm on my way to Bloomingdale's.

Looking for a more tolerable shopping experience this holiday season? I suggest taking the trip to the Brentwood Country Mart. It's quaint, it's outdoors and it smells like the Amish Country. And rich people. And most impressively, it's got Los Angeles' only City Bakery, serving the best hot chocolate there is.

Best of luck on your shopping experiences this December.

Holiday cheers,


Anonymous said...

i too find the misappropriation of the Santa iconography to be deeply unsettling, particularly when children are involved (and im not particularly christian myself). needless to say, my santacon experience was less than jolly.

no its not okay to be wearing nothing but a half open Santa jacket, Santa hat, and a red g-string. not to mention you're a 60 year old man strutting your stuff in broad daylight in front of Echo Park tykes. its just WRONG.

*end rant*

Anonymous said...
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Jessie B. R. said...

Oh god--I'm so glad I wasn't there. I can't take any more scarring holiday moments in this lifetime.

Eric Almendral said...

I love the mall during the holidays, especially the Beverly Center, though not as much as the Grove. My reasons are pretty much the same that you hate them. The crowds, the children, the tacky displays, the decorations, the good and bad music. It's magically weird and fun (for me), like when the most annoying places on earth crank up their annoyingness so high it's transcendent. I realize that I'm in the minority here, much like when I said "Speed Racer" was better than "Iron Man" or that "Heroes" is getting better this season. I can live with that.

Jessie B. R. said...

Eric--I feel you! I think perhaps my limited budget for holiday shopping might have tainted my mood. I was only at the mall to pay a bill after all. Not the epitome of holiday fun.