Perez Hilton...children's author!?

The manchild who has made fun of every celeb on the this green Earth, has drawn cocaine smears on the mug shots of Hollywood's fast set, and made jabs at others' weights, lifestyles and levels of diminished talent, is now publishing a book. A children's book. A children's book that "celebrates individuality and self-acceptance, and is inspired by Hilton’s desire to promote equality in readers of all ages."

I have no words. Only this cover art. Please go ahead and design your own caption. Because I am completely and utterly speechless.

13 year old boy does Lady Gaga. Maybe better than she does.

If I ever have a child, I hope that somehow genetics, training, and lots of summers at theatre camp will make him or her half as rad as this 13 year old kid...

(Though I'm not certain the 13 year old girls in the audience were quite as appreciative of the kid's talent as I was--watch for their unsure, concerned looks in the background. Precious.)

Sunday at the Santa Monica Farmers Market [Gallery]

Every Sunday in Santa Monica, yuppies meet hippies meet health nuts at the Main Street Farmers Market. Why do I love it here?

1. There are children. Not just any children, but West Side children. And that means ridiculous outfits, free spirits, and lots of dancing. Peep this girl with the mismatched everything, topped off with a strawberry hat. Only in Santa Monica.

2. There are animals. And the crazy-looking kids can ride them. I do look forward to adult size animals in the future so that I might get a go. But for now...

3. There's music. The acts vary each week. And they're not always great. And sometimes they have bad names like the 'Jazz Mammals.' But that's cool. Beggars can't be choosers and tunes from poorly named bands are better than none.

4. There's a bike valet. Because Santa Monica is green. And we like that.

5. There are men with badly patterned shorts and [gasp] ankle bracelets who proudly go topless. I say this to those men: if you are going to go topless, please make sure the clothing you are wearing is tolerable.

6. Vendors have got all sorts of weird, ugly and occasionally cool things to buy.

7. Most importantly there is food to buy. There are fruits and other healthy grocery items, yes. But there are also pancakes the size of your first desktop computer...

And crepes that are made to order...

And omelets served with the best breakfast potatoes I've had in a long while...

9. There is no lack of people watching. Both good and bad.

10. And it's like 2 flipping blocks from the ocean. Which makes Sunday brunch at the Farmers Market just about as spectacular as a bonus at Christmas time.

Click here for the Santa Monica Farmers Market's vendor list, schedule of performances and more.

Happy birthday Sesame Street.

It's everyone's favorite children's TV show's anniversary today. Sesame Street celebrates the big 4-0. And it doesn't look a day over 7 if you ask me.

40 years ago, Sesame Street was revolutionary--combining entertaining programming with educational material was radical. Now, there are networks and DVDs and troupes of performers dedicated to this very cause.

But Big Bird and Cookie Monster and gay lovers Bert and Ernie were the first to do it.

And for that, I say [on behalf of my former child self] thank you and Happy Birthday!

(Even Google acknowledged Sesame Street's big day today. And you know you've made it big time when Google redesigns its home page for you.)

826LA's Echo Park Lake Paddle Boat Regatta. Cause reading's for winners.

If you're reading this, I'm pretty sure you can read. If you can't, then let me include some pictures here for your entertainment:


Now, back to those of you who are literate. Being a reader and all, you understand the significance of reading, learning and edumacation. 826LA is a non-profit that ensures that the young people of LA receive the tutoring, reading skills, and creative voice they deserve. This Sunday, the org is hosting its 2nd Annual Paddle Boat Regatta. Yes, it is as fancy and regal as it sounds. And it's not too late to register a team to participate.

If you can't participate, raise money, and compete for greatness, consider joining me as a spectator.

The event needs all the $$$ help it can get so please consider getting involved.

Peep the details below!

xx * Jessie

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Please join us on July 26th at 4PM at Echo Park Lake for the pageantry on the lake as we celebrate the teams* of volunteers, staff and interns who have been racing for four weeks to raise money for 826LA!

We are also offering a limited number of tickets to The VIP After Party at the Rec Center to spectators (NON-RACERS**) for a donation of $15 (to cover food and drink costs). Don't let the fun end at the lake! Come to the after party and mix and mingle with your favorite teams! RVSP

Prizes will be awarded for the following categories:

Winners of Fundracing (highest fundraising team)

Best Costumes

Best Theme

Team Spirit

Best Paddle Boat Manuever - a quick figure 8 or something better!

Spectators Choice - the crowd will choose!

MVP - most valuable pedaler (highest individual fundraiser)

Click here to register or learn more.

Obsessions: toys, ponies, and parks

Remember those toys you had when you were young--the ones that had you dreaming of moving into fantasy lands, eating ice cream all day, and living on a cloud? Be it a dollhouse or a maze--the toy land seemed magical and far more fun than real life (later on, you would come to realize this was entirely true and regret not spending more time playing Candyland, but that is neither here nor there).

Well, I don't know if I'm just having Neverland-related fantasies from all the Michael Jackson hype, or if this is actually the coolest toy set known to child. But I'm just head-to-toe excited about this My Little Pony Ponyville Sweet Sundae Amusement Park Play Set. Not only is the name so long it could entertain you for hours, if not days, but check out some of these highlighted features...

• It’s just another day at the park for you and your pony pal—the amusement park, that is—with this fun-filled play set
• Park includes a pony figure, an ice cream parlor play set, a roller coaster play set, a Ferris wheel play set and play accessories
• The fun and surprises don’t end until you turn out the lights at this adventure-filled amusement park
• Manufacturer's Suggested Age: 4 Years and Up

Well, color me excited and older than 4 years old--I want to move in! I vote for a life size build-out of the whole shebang.

* The website for Hasbro--maker of both Candyland and My Little Pony seems not to be working. Which makes me wonder--have they gone belly up like every other business in the 50 United States?

The Very Hungry Caterpillar turns 40.

Don't miss author Eric Carle when he celebrates the 40th anniversary of a storybook classic at the LA Times Festival of Books later this month.

I'm personally hoping for a picture with the caterpillar...maybe a hug...maybe, just maybe, a lunch date together.

A cabash on kiddies.

While I’m all for women’s rights and the right to choose, I do think we should have restrictions over who gets those rights. If this seems undemocratic…suck it. We live in America, not Pleasantville. And some chicks need to put a cabash on the baby-making.

Top 10 types of women who should NOT be allowed to bear children…

1. Nadya Suleman
2. Crackheads
3. Nadya Suleman
4. Baby-eaters
5. Women who’ve already born 5 + children (Nadya Suleman)
6. Women already receiving welfare for their first 5+ children (Nadya Suleman)
7. Women who describe their desire to have children as a ‘fixation’ (Nadya Suleman)
8. Women who need government funding to feed their children but obviously have money for plastic surgery (Nadya Suleman…I think)
9. Violent women
10. Nadya Suleman

[FOX News: Octuplets' Mom On Welfare, Spokesman Confirms]

4 year old takes hooker to school for show and tell.

The above picture was taken this morning on the corner of Vermont and Wilshire on my way to work. I was as shocked as I'm sure you are that this small child had picked up this woman on the street. He kept reaching for her hand, while she attempted to free her hands in order to keep her skirt below hoo-ha level. Kids are growing up so fast these days.

Oh...that's his mother? Well then, I have no words.

Blast from the past: Lisa Frank

In recent weeks, I've been reminded of a collection of characters and colors I'd long forgotten--those of Lisa Frank. I've been struck by memories of the colorful rainbows, unicorns, bears (like 'Hollywood Bear' above) and puppies that decorated every school supply I could get my hands on--the designs were vibrant and magical--they made the purchase of a binder exciting, the use of a notepad exhilirating. In the '80s, of course, the brand didn't include recently added characters like 'Glamour Girl'--the purple haired bobble head that looks like a hooker, likes 'getting manicures' and dislikes 'taking out the trash and camping.' But the fantastical cast of dancing bears and other magical friends were an integral part of my childhood, and one I'm glad to have remembered.

Toymaker Mattel takes a stab at telekinesis.

Recently, I've been plagued with the things I can't do. Not the things I never learned to do--like rise to prima ballerina status, save money, or speak Spanish--but rather, the things I can't, could never have, and will never be able to do. The other night, for instance, I tried to read my boyfriend's mind. Like, really tried. And just today at lunch, I was wondering what it might take for me to lift my tray off the table. How much energy would it take for me to lift one empty plate, some leftover corn and the cardboard box that had held my microwavable entree? My efforts to levitate the tray and its contents were failed.

I don't know if I read Matilda one too many times or if my great aunt's claims of levitation spooked me, but I've always felt my life would be a little closer to complete if I could control these body and mind functions.

Well, it appears, we are now one step closer to granting mind control powers to the masses. Mattel, the maker of kiddy favorites like Barbie and Hot Wheels, has launched Mindflex at the recent Consumer Electronics Show. The game allows users to move a ping-pong-sized ball through the space with their minds. While I'm not sure how appropriate the game is for kids, nor how long the entertainment would last, I'm intrigued. I want one. I think need to have one.

And on a side note, I'd really like to know how Mattel has not yet been condemned for separating its game list into Girls and Boys games. Seriously? It's 2009. Hotwheels aren't just for boys anymore. And last time I checked, the classic Magic 8 Ball wasn't a chick thing.

New York Times: Mattel Channels Obi-Wan "Stretch Out With Your Feelings"
Crunchgear: Hands on with Mattel's weird Mindflex Game

Dawn at the Beverly Center.

Having been bamboozled by the false store times on the website of the Beverly Center, I've been here since 9:15 am looking at gate after closed gate of stores which I expected open. At the risk of seeming like an early morning mall walker, I've ceased my wandering the floors of the vacant mall and am now enjoying a pumpkin ice blended at Coffee Bean--the only retailer in this monstrosity of an LA institution with any integrity it would seem.

But as I sit here sipping on sugary ice, I'm perusing the wall of names of those who've donated to some cause or another at the Coffee Bean counter...and I've noticed something even more frightening than mall walkers...the names of children these days--well, they're just dreadful. Whether it's made up names like Apple and Sonic, or total mispellings of classics like Jesika, our name bank's gone to shit.

Amongst the atrocities on Coffee Bean's wall this morning...

Mishel
Izic
Loreal (seriously-did you really name her after your store-bought mascara?)
Meylnda
Yummy Yurry (I hope to God this one's a fake)
Sherly
Kyrie
Arezoo

Come on folks-if we're that concerned about our children's individuality, why not return to old classics like Bertha and Maude? Let's not torture our children any more with names of fruit and fictitious spellings.

Here's to hoping that Bloomingdale's opens its G.D. doors before I get a Sharpie out to start amending these poor kids' stickers.

Learnings from a 10 year old.

Last night I visited the temporary shelter where I volunteer twice a month with the younger residents. These children are pretty typical as children go--they are cute, they are full of energy, they can get pretty raucous after one too many Sponge Bob gummy candies (oops, that was my fault). Beside the fact that they're homeless, they are just your average kids. But the part about not having a home is a pretty big factor.

Between Hannukah word searches and paper plate Santa crafting last night, I asked the kids what they'd like for Christmas if the sky was the limit, so to speak. One of the younger ones was adamant in his wish for a Gremlin movie (at least I think that is what I deduced that he meant by 'gwomen'). One wished for a scooter. And one--one of the older kids who happens to be exceptionally bright--said very matter-of-factly, that she wanted a house for Christmas.

It's incredibly easy to take advantage of our fortunes. I have my own apartment that is consistently stocked with food and a wardrobe (even if I do shop for groceries at Target now and I'm Ebaying off my designer duds one by one). So, huge thanks to a 10 year old for putting my bitching and moaning in perspective. My wish for Christmas is that those kids get houses too.

Lavanderia communion.

I'm at the Spin Cycle on Pico and La Brea. It's a meeting place for diversity like the United Nations has dreamt about. Young Mexican mothers and their daughters. An African American couple--her sporting large gold hoops and running shit; him, looking like he'd rather be elsewhere. A Korean woman at the front selling cheap baubles and bad romance novels.

A little girl with braids in her hair and a lot of spunk sits next to me and asks me to read to her. She picks up one of the trashy paperbacks between us and I am forced to make up a story rather than read what I'm sure is hot and heavy stuff aloud--I tell her the book's about a little girl and a pumpkin that comes alive out of a book for a day in Los Angeles. The story is bad, but she's engaged. She loves me. She cries when her mother is done with the laundry and it's time to leave and she asks to play with the lady with the boots and the books.

Everyone is eating corn on the cob that's dripping with butter, sold by an old man outside who also sells puffed pork rinds by the bagful. Most of the kids are patient. They sit, they run, they play arcade games. And I watch Will Smith and Bill Pullman fighting aliens in a movie on Fox 11. I don't have cable at home--this is a treat.

Special delivery. One rich bitch.

When talking of the things I'd never done before, I used to be able to count ordering items off the radio amongst them. That was before last Saturday. Maybe it's been the general economic climate. Maybe it was a suspicion that my employer would file for Chapter 11 just two days laster. Or maybe it was just the early morning, pre-caffeine haze clouding my judgement. But as I drove along, listening to the paid programming that's airing more often now on my am news station, I was enraptured.

Loral Langemeier was being 'interviewed' on the air about her wealth-building philosophies--essentially that each of us can be rich--a millionaire, she'd say. And it's by capitalizing on things you're already doing. Let's say you're always watching the neighbors' kids...start a day care business. Perhaps you just love to knit...start ebaying those scarves in your closet (just because your family thinks they're awful doesn't mean someone in Alaska won't need one come winter). Or maybe you're already sleeping around town like a wild rabbit...well, get paid for those hours honey!

Since I already have hobbies--I like to write, I like taking walks, I like cleaning my sock drawer--I figured one of these interests might be sellable. Why not start a business of separating out my tall socks from the short ones?

I arrived home tonight with a reminder of this car ride--the call I hurriedly made and the conversation I had with a gentleman who asked what my financial goals were, tried to sell me a 'free' series of books and cds, and gladly took my VISA number. My book and CD (free, but for $9.99 shipping and tax) had arrived!

It was only now that I thought to do a little research on Loral. I've learned that her company, Live Out Loud, doesn't take too kindly to cancellations and isn't that keen on refunds. One woman calls her 'a crook.' Another warns that she'll 'sleep with your husband.' Well, luckily I'm not married. And I don't have much to steal. But needless to say, I might have looked into this before I provided my home address and banking info to her cronies on the phone.

In the event that I am evicted next week due to overdue payments I didn't realize I'd owe to the 'Loral Langemeier Knows I'm an Idiot and Will Buy Anything' Foundation, I'm going to get to reading my free 'Millionaire Maker' book tonight and listening to the free CD as soon as possible.

Here's to a richer tomorrow,
Your friend [the sucker] Jessie B. R.

Multiple reasons to hate the mall. At the holidays and all year round.

The mall, more specifically the Beverly Center, is pretty bad on a daily basis. Amongst the reasons I'm not a fan:

The headless mannequins (pictured left).

The more 'mature' ladies in the shoe department shopping for inappropriately high heels. Parading around in mini skirts and asking their friends, 'do these look alright on me?' Well no, deary, they don't! Perhaps we'd all be better off if you'd visit the orthopedic shoe store on level one and ask your tailor to add 10 inches back to that skirt.

The couples who hold hands on the escalators making it impossible to pass by.

And the countless employees in the department stores asking if I'd like to 'try the best cologne in the world.' No, I've already stocked up on my Jessica Simpson scent for 2009, thank you.

But during the holidays, the place becomes--simply put--unbearable. I entered the Beverly Center yesterday to find this picture of holiday unholiness (pictured left) outside of Macy's. That's right. One of Santa's stilettoed sluts wearing next to nothing chatting up little children. Imagine--this little boy will grow up to think it's ok to sit in a nearly naked lady's lap and ask her for 'presents.' Would you let your child talk with this lady? (If the answer is yes, it's probably best not to tell me.)

Worst of all, a young lady had a baby chihuahua on the floor of the crowded mall. A. You are not supposed to have young puppies out and about. B. If something's smaller than a purse and not attached to a body, I may just step on it. C. She let it pee on the floor! Seriously!? Just because it's cute, doesn't mean I want to step in it's urine while I'm on my way to Bloomingdale's.

Looking for a more tolerable shopping experience this holiday season? I suggest taking the trip to the Brentwood Country Mart. It's quaint, it's outdoors and it smells like the Amish Country. And rich people. And most impressively, it's got Los Angeles' only City Bakery, serving the best hot chocolate there is.



Best of luck on your shopping experiences this December.

Holiday cheers,
Jessie