The non-celebration of Valentine's Day, a day like any other.

It's Valentine's Day. And considering that LA has the highest quotient of pretty people per square foot than any other region in the United States (okay, I made that statistic up--it could be Maine, but who are we kidding), I find it surprising that more and more of my friends are single on this most romantic of made-up, commercial holidays.

For my single friends out there, I'd thought--why not put together a guide to fun happenings, events and distractions around the city for the un-coupled to enjoy. And, after another moment, decided that no, I wouldn't do that. I would not attempt to fit round pegs into square holes (I'm nearly certain that that is not how the saying goes but moving on...). Consider the following metaphor. Though I wished I could have a tree in my home every December growing up, we didn't start celebrating Christmas just because I liked the scent of pine and the look of tinsel. And so it is with Valentine's Day. Singletons may like the looks of chocolate hearts and a dozen red roses. But one doesn't just start celebrating Valentine's Day because she's craving sweets and every body else is doing it. So, to my single friends I say this--Happy Valentine's Day. But let's not get too wrapped up in this most Hallmark of holidays. Let's not feel we need to make up for lack of romance with an abundance of Hershey's kisses or expensive meals out with friends. Let's not be small and host anti-Valentine's parties (the Jews didn't protest Christmas just because it wasn't ours to celebrate, remember). Let's all recall our childhood days when we gave a Valentine's Day card to everyone just because they were our friends and even if they weren't and then we went home and ate chicken fingers for dinner just like every other night of the year.

As for my Valentine's Day plans, readers? Let's just say I'll be eating, drinking and being merry. But that's what I do every night.

And if you really need a guide for Valentine's Day activities, check out the LA Weekly's.

An hour's worth of quality holiday entertainment for the day after.

It's not only Sunday. But it's the Day After Christmas kind of Sunday. Which means that you have double excuse to sit back on your couch, get ahold of the remote controls, and not move all morning.

But you've got hours still until football. So how bout you spend an hour of that lazy day listening to something worthwhile. Like This American Life's Comedians of Christmas Holiday Special. Acts 3 and 5 are the best so have some patience or fast forward.

Enjoy.

It's a sexy Cupid-Meets-Christ kind of holiday.

Count the following amongst tidbits of information to which you will reply 'Who knew!?' in your lifetime: In Japan, where Christianity is a minority faith, the Christmas holiday is celebrated as a more commercial occasion (sound familiar?) than religious, with the emphasis on Christmas Eve, happiness, presents, and...romance. [Cue: wide eyes, long gasp, exclamation in unison of 'Who knew?!'] Long story short (mostly because I don't know the whole story), it's not considered favorable to be single round this time. LA based party people New Noir, are throwing a Japanese style holiday party, 'Christmas is for Cupid,' to honor that strange tradition. So, grab the sexiest holiday wares the cold weather will allow and head on over to Royal/T next Wednesday for the ho-ho-ho-down.

The event will feature tunes, dancing, ping-pong, and a naughty costume contest. Gift bags'll be raffled off and tacos'll be served up.

Now get ready to be shocked yet again. Fried chicken is also customary at Japanese Christmas. But that is neither here, nor there, and certainly not of interest to this vegetarian.

Christmas is for Cupid
December 22nd
7 p - 12 a

Royal/T
8910 Washington Boulevard
Culver City, CA 90232

Tickets available online for $10. But my readers can score 15% off using the code SANTA at checkout.

See you there!

Mr. Brainwash still believes in love.

Mr Brainwash is releasing a special holiday print, "I Still Believe In Love."

While I do believe in Santa--I mean, I just saw him at the mall shaking a bucket of change--this print by the famed street artist and documentarian (Exit Through The Gift Shop) is for a good cause.

Proceeds from the sale will go to the charity, "Toys for Tots," which spreads "a message for hope to less fortunate youngsters" this holiday season.

Price: $175

Merry Christmas. And all that nice stuff.

[via someecards]

A [frugal] Jew's guide to Christmas Day.

I hate to perpetuate any stereotype--and I'm fully aware that Jews have a bum rap for being...how to put this nicely...well, frugal--but this member of the tribe is really and truly low on funds this holiday season. And in an ironic twist, I also happen to love Christmas. Hannukah--I can take it or leave it. Yom Kippur--I'm not going a whole day without food for anything, let alone repentance. But the bright lights, pine-scented trees, and fat, gray-haired, red-suited men of Christmas--this secular Jew will celebrate that any day of the year (well, namely just on December 25th).

This year, however, I'll be stuck in So Cal on Christmas Day--loved ones far away and nary a penny to spend on festivities.

So, here's how I'll be celebrating the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

• Cleaning. Cleaning is free. It is fun. It should take up at least 2.5 hours of my day. Which is a start.
• McDonald's. Did you know that Mickey D's is open on Christmas Day? Well, it is. At least the one in K-Town. Hopefully the checker-playing, elderly Korean men of the neighborhood will be out in full force. Because I will talk to them. And I will join in their checkers game. And I will lead them in Christmas songs. You know I'll do it.
• Movies. No, not the in-theatre kind. The rent 'em at Ralph's from the big vending machine for $1 / day kind.
• Wine. Can you say Two Buck Chuck anyone? Sure you can--just try it.

And if all else fails, I will find out where you are celebrating Christmas. And I will crash.

The office holiday party gift that keeps on giving.

Earlier this week, my department hosted its annual holiday party. This party is lovely and endearing for all of its predicatability. There will always be a domestic cheese platter. I will always eat too much. Someone will always get inappropriately drunk. But what spices the party up each year is the White Elephant gift exchange.

At this year's party I received this odd specimen of a gift to the left. A 'Crazy Cat Lady' Action Figure. I think the irony begins with the word 'action.' Isn't an inherent part of the Cat Lady's persona that she not get any action?

The toy is accompanied by a quiz on the back to sort out, at long last, if you are or are not a Crazy Cat Person. Some of the questions include...

* Do you get excited when you hear a can opener?
* Do you have more cats than ex-boyfriends?
* Do you bring new boyfriends home so the cats can meet them?
* Do you later break up with them because the cats weren't impressed?
* Do you own more than one piece of clothing with a cat on it?
* Do you feel that the ancient Egyptian tradition of cat worship is the one true religion?

To which I'd like to ask, 'So, what if I can say yes to one or more of these questions? What of it?' To which I'll add that I'm not admitting to any of this. I'm just asking. So I'll implore you to stop judging me.

Regardless, I'm really looking forward to Friday night at home to play with my cats....um, I mean play with my new action figure...um, I mean go out and get crazy. Cause I totally have a life.

The [un]official Etiquette Guide to the holiday party season.

Holiday party season has officially sprung upon Los Angeles. And my calendar's become so inundated with holiday party invites that it may die a slow and painful death of good cheer and mistletoe poisoning. Now, I'm equally at fault for the scheduling overload--I hosted my own holiday party last night--but my own mistakes quickly aside, I'd love to offer some etiquette tips for those participating in holiday festivities this season.

1. Compile a holiday wish list. No one wants to guess what you want. If you're into Hanna Montana--sure I'll judge you [and perhaps suggest counseling]--I'd rather get you the weird shit you want than present you with a [far more appropriate] gift you'll scoff at. You can view my very own wish list here (hint, hint).

2. Bring something to the party. You've been invited to those 15 parties (or maybe just that one depending on how [un]popular you are). And you can't show up empty handed. If you do, your host is put in the awkward position of having to pretend he or she is still glad you came. Believe me. He or she is not. For host gifts, I suggest a nice bottle of wine, something for the kitchen, or strippers depending on the nature of the party.

3. Don't bring stupid people. The dynamic of a party is all about its guests. If you've been invited to bring a guest, bring a good one. Guests who no one wants at the party include, but are not limited to, your little, underage sister (okay, some of the guys may actually be stoked she's there, but no--this is still not okay), your recently released convict pen pal, and the lonely and creepy mall Santa.

4. Don't make it all religious and stuff. The key to most holiday parties are that they're for everyone. Catholics attend Hannukah parties. Jews go to Christmas parties. And so on and so forth. So keep the religious stuff light, especially if the soiree's a 'holiday' party and you're not sure about the religious leanings of your host. Items not to bring include: crosses, menorahs, bibles. Safe items include: mistletoe, reindeer-shaped chocolates, board games and practical jokes.

Note: above is the 'holiday' tree that someone brought over for me recently. Note that though it looks like a 'Chrsitmas' tree, there is chocolate surrounding it. And chocolate makes everything secular.

Happy holidays everyone!

xo * Jessie B. R.

Greetings meant for someone else.

I live in a medium-sized apartment building in Koreatown.
Which means that there are several who've lived in my unit before me.
And many more who'll reside there in future years, I'm sure.
Which also means that occasionally I still get Jafet R.'s mail.
This often begins with excitement about a hand addressed letter or card.
And ends with me thinking 'oh, I guess another of Jafet's old cronies doesn't know she's moved...still.'
This morning I saw the signs of the season's first holiday card.
And then--yes, of course--came the revelation that it was meant for Jafet.
Well, I've lived here for over 2 years now.
The jig is up.
I opened her mail.
First, I saw the card's cover.
'Beautiful Savior!,' it read.
Aw, criminy. Jafet's got fanatical religious friends. Great.
I opened further. Quoted psalms and a typed up letter. Awesome. More religious propaganda.
I unfold the lengthy, typed up note and begin reading Ron & Barb's 'Christmas greetings from North Carolina!'
Ron has Parkinson's. Barb has cancer. Shit. I feel bad now.
A's husband has thyroid cancer. Okay, this is too much now. This is a hoax. They're going to ask for money.
K and T are still in Durham with their 5 children. They are twins. They're three. They're having fun on the outer banks.
Two couple friends met them at the Cracker Barrel off Interstate 95 in May. It was a special treat. Um, perhaps this is for real. People don't just make up trips to the Cracker Barrel.
Mom's going to be 90 come 2010. Wow.
And--this closes the letter--Ron and Barb want to wish us...I mean Jafet...'a most blessed Christmas and New Year. At times, the future looks gloomy, but God is still in control and [they] thank Him for his protection and grace that He gives [them] each day.'
Barb and Ron have completely put me to shame. They didn't ask me...um, Jafet...for money. They didn't push their religion. They're just super grateful for their family and the twins and the Cracker Barrel and God at the holidays. They're sort of awesome and I consider, for a moment, writing back. Telling them that Jafet doesn't live here anymore. But, if they'd like, they can continue to write.

Shop: All I want for the secular holidays is...

It's almost Thanksgiving. Which means it's almost the holidays. Now, were I still a practicing Jew, I might reap the benefits of the 8 glorious days of Hannukah. I don't remember the full story of the oil and the lights and all that hullabaloo. But I do remember the 8 consecutive nights of gift receiving from my childhood. And I miss those days. As it stands now, holiday time doesn't signify much more than a few days off and an overload of wreaths in public places.

Well, I want to bring the gifts back. Friends, family, fans [and maybe Santa?]--please behold my holiday wish list...because a secular girl can still be a material girl.

Gifts to satisfy Yours Truly...or whoever's on your shopping list...

Perfect pictures. You know how the pictures on this blog are often just a little bit off? The lighting seems poor or the resolution just plain sucks? That's because I'm shooting with a 3 year old point and shoot. Or worse yet--occasionally my flash-less Blackberry. The number one item on my wishlist this year? A Nikon D60.

Deliver it raw. I want to be healthy. I do, I do, I do. But my dinners usually consist of boxed foods and flavor packets. Santa Monica's Rawvolution has just the solution for my cooking woes: The Box. Weekly delivered meals include 'Nut Loaf with BBQ Sauce' and a 'Mock Turkey Sandwich.' And yes, those do sound good to me.


Enlighten me. Reading Vanity Fair makes me feel one step closer to the well-dressed, well-read and well-cultured. Cause if you can't beat 'em...and you can't join 'em...read about 'em. A subscription would offer me 12 months of highfalutin culture via VF's glossy pages.



Sophisticated patterns. Plaid is in this season...again. But looking like a hipster in an oversized plaid button down is not for me. Instead, I'd rather don Topshop's super cute Dress Coat and fill both my trend quotient and my desperate need for warmer garments.


Delicate drinking. Is anything cuter than drinking out of animal shaped glassware. No. Decidedly, no. These Animal Head Shot Glasses at MollaSpace are just the thing to get your friends completely wasted in absolute style and grace.*

* The 'grace' part only applies until words start slurring.


Affordable art. I am out of room on the walls of my studio and I am also--I'll admit it--out of money in the bank for new art. Blood is the New Black offers affordable pieces from your favorite artists. They also kill two birds with one stylish stone. The pieces are wearable tee shirts, you lucky art fans. I like this tee by one of my fave LA artistas, Kime Buzzelli.

Responsible reading. Author Jonathan Safran Foer (Everything is Illuminated) has tackled new subject matter with Eating Animals, a chronicling of his year investigation into meat eating. I'm already a vegeterian, yes. But I'm always in need of new fodder for the veg fire.


Do good. While I don't agree with the 'give at the holidays' mentality--I don't think generosity should be limited to Jesus' birthday--I can't argue with giving. And I encourage you to give the gift of giving to your pals. JustGive.org and Kiva.org are two great organizations that help do the good work for you.

N.B. - Hannukah begins at sundown on December 11th this year. And since I'm closer to Jewish than anything else, you better hit those stores soon my friends. Or, in light of my secular stance, I suppose I can accept your gifts at any point.

The holidays inspire the tourist in me.

There's nothing like the holidays--the loud music, the flurry of sparkle everywhere, the visiting family that needs entertaining hour after hour after hour--to inspire the tourist in everyone...even me.

In the last week, I have gone to a menorah lighting at Glendale's Americana at Brand, where we listened to Klezmer tunes, ignored the Rabbi's speech, and joined several 4 year olds in crafting Star of Davids [during which time we were asked multiple times by the staff if we 'needed any help,' leading me to believe that they thought we were 'retarded'].

The ceremony was all performed next to a gigantic Christmas tree, proving that though the Jews might run LA, until the Chabad learns to dress up the menorah with thousands of watts of power, Christmas still runs December.

Christmas Eve was enjoyed, in part, at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, attempting to watch the annual Holiday Celebration from the 5th story of an immensely steep theatre. While just darling in concept, the 20th choir to go on stage got a little old as I strained to see the tops of their tiny heads from the length of a football field away.

Christmas day was spent driving around looking for things to do in between the showers. Such activities involved a walk up Rodeo Drive [where there was no shortage of European tourists puffing smoke into their children's finely accented faces], a tour of Beverly Hills' government buildings (see City Hall below), and taking the 'scenic route' down Mulholland Drive (an activity which grew treacherous as I attempted to return home along the windy streets of Coldwater Canyon) in pouring rain.

And then what tourist jaunt would be complete without a walk through the Huntington Botanical Gardens of Pasadena. I leave you with a few pictures of our journey across more cacti plants than you could (or should) ever wish to know.



Photo Credits: Jessie B. R.

Merry Christmas from Los Angeles.

Dreaming of a white Christmas is one thing. Wet ones are quite another. Part of the beauty of living in Los Angeles during the holidays is that you can pretty much forget it's the holidays altogether if you like. It's generally sunny, warm and Jewish enough that decorations are few and far between.

Today, it's raining. And the dampness is both killing my merriness and frizzing my hair. But the family's in town and so buck up, I will. Just in time to celebrate the birth of Christ the way the Chosen People have for decades--with a few egg rolls, Kung Pao something-or-others and a movie.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a [dry] night.

Kisses, hugs and mistletoe,
Jessie B. R.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

The holiday hoopla circuit.

Holiday parties are like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you get one that's sweet. Sometimes you get one that's stale and chips your tooth. Despite this year's economic recession and the subsequent cutting of holiday parties from many companies' budgets, 2008 has still seen its fair share of personal, corporate and community holiday parties. A few highlights from this year's holiday festivities...

Alternative Apparel, Georgia's comfy, cotton answer to LA's American Apparel, hosted its holiday party at its pop up shop in Hollywood. Lukaas Haas [whom I know I know but can't tell you why] hosted and performed (pictured left)...

OK Go's lovely Tim Nordwind (pictured left) DJ'ed [because no Hollywood party is complete without an actor/bandmember-turned DJ]...

Akasha, Downtown Culver City's organic restauant, catered, providing the key elements to any good party: cupcakes and bubbly.

The Uncompany Collective celebrated the holidays last Sunday by gathering the city's unemployed, laid-off and still employed [but likely not for long] creatives at the Good Magazine space. Nothing makes job unstability more comforting than mimosas, muffins and other folks as unsure of the future as you are.

And then there were the friends' parties. There were the ones that were amazing, the ones that were awkward, and the ones where shoes were not allowed. Thank goodness for holiday slippers (pictured left).

Learnings from a 10 year old.

Last night I visited the temporary shelter where I volunteer twice a month with the younger residents. These children are pretty typical as children go--they are cute, they are full of energy, they can get pretty raucous after one too many Sponge Bob gummy candies (oops, that was my fault). Beside the fact that they're homeless, they are just your average kids. But the part about not having a home is a pretty big factor.

Between Hannukah word searches and paper plate Santa crafting last night, I asked the kids what they'd like for Christmas if the sky was the limit, so to speak. One of the younger ones was adamant in his wish for a Gremlin movie (at least I think that is what I deduced that he meant by 'gwomen'). One wished for a scooter. And one--one of the older kids who happens to be exceptionally bright--said very matter-of-factly, that she wanted a house for Christmas.

It's incredibly easy to take advantage of our fortunes. I have my own apartment that is consistently stocked with food and a wardrobe (even if I do shop for groceries at Target now and I'm Ebaying off my designer duds one by one). So, huge thanks to a 10 year old for putting my bitching and moaning in perspective. My wish for Christmas is that those kids get houses too.

Multiple reasons to hate the mall. At the holidays and all year round.

The mall, more specifically the Beverly Center, is pretty bad on a daily basis. Amongst the reasons I'm not a fan:

The headless mannequins (pictured left).

The more 'mature' ladies in the shoe department shopping for inappropriately high heels. Parading around in mini skirts and asking their friends, 'do these look alright on me?' Well no, deary, they don't! Perhaps we'd all be better off if you'd visit the orthopedic shoe store on level one and ask your tailor to add 10 inches back to that skirt.

The couples who hold hands on the escalators making it impossible to pass by.

And the countless employees in the department stores asking if I'd like to 'try the best cologne in the world.' No, I've already stocked up on my Jessica Simpson scent for 2009, thank you.

But during the holidays, the place becomes--simply put--unbearable. I entered the Beverly Center yesterday to find this picture of holiday unholiness (pictured left) outside of Macy's. That's right. One of Santa's stilettoed sluts wearing next to nothing chatting up little children. Imagine--this little boy will grow up to think it's ok to sit in a nearly naked lady's lap and ask her for 'presents.' Would you let your child talk with this lady? (If the answer is yes, it's probably best not to tell me.)

Worst of all, a young lady had a baby chihuahua on the floor of the crowded mall. A. You are not supposed to have young puppies out and about. B. If something's smaller than a purse and not attached to a body, I may just step on it. C. She let it pee on the floor! Seriously!? Just because it's cute, doesn't mean I want to step in it's urine while I'm on my way to Bloomingdale's.

Looking for a more tolerable shopping experience this holiday season? I suggest taking the trip to the Brentwood Country Mart. It's quaint, it's outdoors and it smells like the Amish Country. And rich people. And most impressively, it's got Los Angeles' only City Bakery, serving the best hot chocolate there is.



Best of luck on your shopping experiences this December.

Holiday cheers,
Jessie

Christmas kills.

Yesterday, a Walmart employee was trampled to death at the start of Black Friday. Further proof that people have more regard for personal gain than for for humanity, that Christmas is dangerous, and that I should never move back to Long Island.

Source: NY Times