Greetings from the armpit of America...Vegas, that is.

I know you've been wondering where I've been this week...all two of my readers, that is. Well, I arrived to Las Vegas yesterday--ya know, the city of mirrored hotel facades and dirty hookers--for work. Despite regular showers, I have felt dirty since landing here. The entire city stinks of cigarette smoke, the sky is gray, and there are billboards everywhere for strip clubs and Penn & Teller who I really thought had been eaten by tigers years ago. Instead of candies on my hotel room pillows there was a menu for 'Whipper Ticklers' and crotchless bikini bottoms. I don't want to be a 'naughty ballerina.' I just wish there were better free toiletries in the bathroom. On Day One I lost $3 on a 'Sex and the City' slot machine. The only place I could find to eat lunch was Pink Taco. The chips were great, I'll admit, but I prefer not to dine at eating establishments named after my private parts. The only daylight I've seen on Day Two was via a ride to Del Taco. I will be here for 3 more days and you may not hear from me again. But please--if I don't correspond again by end of week--send a search party to my hotel and the Spearmint Rhino. Thanks and I hope to see you on the flip side.

The [un]official Etiquette Guide to the holiday party season.

Holiday party season has officially sprung upon Los Angeles. And my calendar's become so inundated with holiday party invites that it may die a slow and painful death of good cheer and mistletoe poisoning. Now, I'm equally at fault for the scheduling overload--I hosted my own holiday party last night--but my own mistakes quickly aside, I'd love to offer some etiquette tips for those participating in holiday festivities this season.

1. Compile a holiday wish list. No one wants to guess what you want. If you're into Hanna Montana--sure I'll judge you [and perhaps suggest counseling]--I'd rather get you the weird shit you want than present you with a [far more appropriate] gift you'll scoff at. You can view my very own wish list here (hint, hint).

2. Bring something to the party. You've been invited to those 15 parties (or maybe just that one depending on how [un]popular you are). And you can't show up empty handed. If you do, your host is put in the awkward position of having to pretend he or she is still glad you came. Believe me. He or she is not. For host gifts, I suggest a nice bottle of wine, something for the kitchen, or strippers depending on the nature of the party.

3. Don't bring stupid people. The dynamic of a party is all about its guests. If you've been invited to bring a guest, bring a good one. Guests who no one wants at the party include, but are not limited to, your little, underage sister (okay, some of the guys may actually be stoked she's there, but no--this is still not okay), your recently released convict pen pal, and the lonely and creepy mall Santa.

4. Don't make it all religious and stuff. The key to most holiday parties are that they're for everyone. Catholics attend Hannukah parties. Jews go to Christmas parties. And so on and so forth. So keep the religious stuff light, especially if the soiree's a 'holiday' party and you're not sure about the religious leanings of your host. Items not to bring include: crosses, menorahs, bibles. Safe items include: mistletoe, reindeer-shaped chocolates, board games and practical jokes.

Note: above is the 'holiday' tree that someone brought over for me recently. Note that though it looks like a 'Chrsitmas' tree, there is chocolate surrounding it. And chocolate makes everything secular.

Happy holidays everyone!

xo * Jessie B. R.