A [frugal] Jew's guide to Christmas Day.

I hate to perpetuate any stereotype--and I'm fully aware that Jews have a bum rap for being...how to put this nicely...well, frugal--but this member of the tribe is really and truly low on funds this holiday season. And in an ironic twist, I also happen to love Christmas. Hannukah--I can take it or leave it. Yom Kippur--I'm not going a whole day without food for anything, let alone repentance. But the bright lights, pine-scented trees, and fat, gray-haired, red-suited men of Christmas--this secular Jew will celebrate that any day of the year (well, namely just on December 25th).

This year, however, I'll be stuck in So Cal on Christmas Day--loved ones far away and nary a penny to spend on festivities.

So, here's how I'll be celebrating the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

• Cleaning. Cleaning is free. It is fun. It should take up at least 2.5 hours of my day. Which is a start.
• McDonald's. Did you know that Mickey D's is open on Christmas Day? Well, it is. At least the one in K-Town. Hopefully the checker-playing, elderly Korean men of the neighborhood will be out in full force. Because I will talk to them. And I will join in their checkers game. And I will lead them in Christmas songs. You know I'll do it.
• Movies. No, not the in-theatre kind. The rent 'em at Ralph's from the big vending machine for $1 / day kind.
• Wine. Can you say Two Buck Chuck anyone? Sure you can--just try it.

And if all else fails, I will find out where you are celebrating Christmas. And I will crash.

The [un]official Etiquette Guide to the holiday party season.

Holiday party season has officially sprung upon Los Angeles. And my calendar's become so inundated with holiday party invites that it may die a slow and painful death of good cheer and mistletoe poisoning. Now, I'm equally at fault for the scheduling overload--I hosted my own holiday party last night--but my own mistakes quickly aside, I'd love to offer some etiquette tips for those participating in holiday festivities this season.

1. Compile a holiday wish list. No one wants to guess what you want. If you're into Hanna Montana--sure I'll judge you [and perhaps suggest counseling]--I'd rather get you the weird shit you want than present you with a [far more appropriate] gift you'll scoff at. You can view my very own wish list here (hint, hint).

2. Bring something to the party. You've been invited to those 15 parties (or maybe just that one depending on how [un]popular you are). And you can't show up empty handed. If you do, your host is put in the awkward position of having to pretend he or she is still glad you came. Believe me. He or she is not. For host gifts, I suggest a nice bottle of wine, something for the kitchen, or strippers depending on the nature of the party.

3. Don't bring stupid people. The dynamic of a party is all about its guests. If you've been invited to bring a guest, bring a good one. Guests who no one wants at the party include, but are not limited to, your little, underage sister (okay, some of the guys may actually be stoked she's there, but no--this is still not okay), your recently released convict pen pal, and the lonely and creepy mall Santa.

4. Don't make it all religious and stuff. The key to most holiday parties are that they're for everyone. Catholics attend Hannukah parties. Jews go to Christmas parties. And so on and so forth. So keep the religious stuff light, especially if the soiree's a 'holiday' party and you're not sure about the religious leanings of your host. Items not to bring include: crosses, menorahs, bibles. Safe items include: mistletoe, reindeer-shaped chocolates, board games and practical jokes.

Note: above is the 'holiday' tree that someone brought over for me recently. Note that though it looks like a 'Chrsitmas' tree, there is chocolate surrounding it. And chocolate makes everything secular.

Happy holidays everyone!

xo * Jessie B. R.

Greetings meant for someone else.

I live in a medium-sized apartment building in Koreatown.
Which means that there are several who've lived in my unit before me.
And many more who'll reside there in future years, I'm sure.
Which also means that occasionally I still get Jafet R.'s mail.
This often begins with excitement about a hand addressed letter or card.
And ends with me thinking 'oh, I guess another of Jafet's old cronies doesn't know she's moved...still.'
This morning I saw the signs of the season's first holiday card.
And then--yes, of course--came the revelation that it was meant for Jafet.
Well, I've lived here for over 2 years now.
The jig is up.
I opened her mail.
First, I saw the card's cover.
'Beautiful Savior!,' it read.
Aw, criminy. Jafet's got fanatical religious friends. Great.
I opened further. Quoted psalms and a typed up letter. Awesome. More religious propaganda.
I unfold the lengthy, typed up note and begin reading Ron & Barb's 'Christmas greetings from North Carolina!'
Ron has Parkinson's. Barb has cancer. Shit. I feel bad now.
A's husband has thyroid cancer. Okay, this is too much now. This is a hoax. They're going to ask for money.
K and T are still in Durham with their 5 children. They are twins. They're three. They're having fun on the outer banks.
Two couple friends met them at the Cracker Barrel off Interstate 95 in May. It was a special treat. Um, perhaps this is for real. People don't just make up trips to the Cracker Barrel.
Mom's going to be 90 come 2010. Wow.
And--this closes the letter--Ron and Barb want to wish us...I mean Jafet...'a most blessed Christmas and New Year. At times, the future looks gloomy, but God is still in control and [they] thank Him for his protection and grace that He gives [them] each day.'
Barb and Ron have completely put me to shame. They didn't ask me...um, Jafet...for money. They didn't push their religion. They're just super grateful for their family and the twins and the Cracker Barrel and God at the holidays. They're sort of awesome and I consider, for a moment, writing back. Telling them that Jafet doesn't live here anymore. But, if they'd like, they can continue to write.

Shop: All I want for the secular holidays is...

It's almost Thanksgiving. Which means it's almost the holidays. Now, were I still a practicing Jew, I might reap the benefits of the 8 glorious days of Hannukah. I don't remember the full story of the oil and the lights and all that hullabaloo. But I do remember the 8 consecutive nights of gift receiving from my childhood. And I miss those days. As it stands now, holiday time doesn't signify much more than a few days off and an overload of wreaths in public places.

Well, I want to bring the gifts back. Friends, family, fans [and maybe Santa?]--please behold my holiday wish list...because a secular girl can still be a material girl.

Gifts to satisfy Yours Truly...or whoever's on your shopping list...

Perfect pictures. You know how the pictures on this blog are often just a little bit off? The lighting seems poor or the resolution just plain sucks? That's because I'm shooting with a 3 year old point and shoot. Or worse yet--occasionally my flash-less Blackberry. The number one item on my wishlist this year? A Nikon D60.

Deliver it raw. I want to be healthy. I do, I do, I do. But my dinners usually consist of boxed foods and flavor packets. Santa Monica's Rawvolution has just the solution for my cooking woes: The Box. Weekly delivered meals include 'Nut Loaf with BBQ Sauce' and a 'Mock Turkey Sandwich.' And yes, those do sound good to me.


Enlighten me. Reading Vanity Fair makes me feel one step closer to the well-dressed, well-read and well-cultured. Cause if you can't beat 'em...and you can't join 'em...read about 'em. A subscription would offer me 12 months of highfalutin culture via VF's glossy pages.



Sophisticated patterns. Plaid is in this season...again. But looking like a hipster in an oversized plaid button down is not for me. Instead, I'd rather don Topshop's super cute Dress Coat and fill both my trend quotient and my desperate need for warmer garments.


Delicate drinking. Is anything cuter than drinking out of animal shaped glassware. No. Decidedly, no. These Animal Head Shot Glasses at MollaSpace are just the thing to get your friends completely wasted in absolute style and grace.*

* The 'grace' part only applies until words start slurring.


Affordable art. I am out of room on the walls of my studio and I am also--I'll admit it--out of money in the bank for new art. Blood is the New Black offers affordable pieces from your favorite artists. They also kill two birds with one stylish stone. The pieces are wearable tee shirts, you lucky art fans. I like this tee by one of my fave LA artistas, Kime Buzzelli.

Responsible reading. Author Jonathan Safran Foer (Everything is Illuminated) has tackled new subject matter with Eating Animals, a chronicling of his year investigation into meat eating. I'm already a vegeterian, yes. But I'm always in need of new fodder for the veg fire.


Do good. While I don't agree with the 'give at the holidays' mentality--I don't think generosity should be limited to Jesus' birthday--I can't argue with giving. And I encourage you to give the gift of giving to your pals. JustGive.org and Kiva.org are two great organizations that help do the good work for you.

N.B. - Hannukah begins at sundown on December 11th this year. And since I'm closer to Jewish than anything else, you better hit those stores soon my friends. Or, in light of my secular stance, I suppose I can accept your gifts at any point.

Easter: bonnets and bunnies.

After expressing on Facebook last Friday that I wished I was home 'celebrating' Good Friday, it was explained to my by my dear colleague that one doesn't celebrate Good Friday. One observes it. Because Good Friday is the day that Jesus was killed. And one just doesn't celebrate such things. Got it.

I also learned that Easter, marking the day of Jesus' resurrection, is the day we do celebrate. Why we celebrate with eggs and bunnies and bonnets, I'm still not sure I understand in full. Jesus rose from his grave and I, in turn, search for painted eggs in my backyard, donning a large, decorated hat, new baby bunny in tow, eatting jelly beans and chocolate. Hmm. I just don't know that the plight of an egg hunt pays full homage to--oh, ya know--rising from the dead. But I do like the chocolate part and so I'm off to my first ever Easter brunch. Jews for Jesus! [Or at least for wearing fun hats.]

Matzoh and mayhem: the plight of an unleavened Passover pastry.

I am back from the shortest seder I have ever attended. This is the way seders should always have been. I might not have abandoned religion had Passover dinners always been this brief. Growing up, dragged to family members' houses for yearly torture at the dinner table, I used to count the pages in the haggadah, over and over and over again. 'We've gone through 4 pages, there are 77 left,'...'On page 5 now. Only 76, godawful, painstakingly slow pages left to get through.' And so on and so forth. Tonight, the story of the Jews' exodus from Egypt read more like a tabloid than a religous service. I heard 'Moses.' I heard 'Matzoh.' I heard 'wine.' And that was enough for me.

To all of you Jews more religious than myself--well, you're probably still reading about locusts. I'm sorry.

To those of my beloved Goys out there, may you find a chocolate bunny in your easter egg this weekend and may you celebrate the resurrection of Christ in the most fabulous bonnet you can find.

Kisses and unleavened hugs,
Jessie B. R.

Your trip to heaven is departing in 25 minutes from the corner of Hollywood & Highland...

These images are from a week-old adventure through LA, but they're too perfect not to share. As Renee and I traipsed through Hollywood last Saturday, God seemed to follow us everywhere.

God actually started chatting me up the evening before as I drove to Home in Silverlake.

Then on Saturday, we were lured toward Hollywood & Highland, tourist Sin Central, where anti-war protesters were finishing a march along closed-down Hollywood Boulevard...


Beside the cops...

And the cops on horses...

God was there...

He had a sign. And he had buddies working to spread the gospel...

Including Jesus--the most righteous of all the costumed characters standing outside the Mann Chinese...

And some young zealots offering God money on the streets and some solid advice on getting to heaven.

Our conversation went something like this paraphrased nonsense...

Renee and I: So, what is this for? Does this fake money get us into heaven?
Young Zealot: Have you ever lied, sinned, or stolen?
Me: Yeah--have you?
YZ: Yes, but I've repented. You have to forsake it and humble yourself before God. If you put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ, you can get into heaven.
Renee and I: So, are we like, cool to get into heaven then cause we just took these god bills?
YZ: You can repent here or you can go home and do it.
Me: Is this going to be a problem if I'm Jewish?
YZ: If you're Jewish, Jesus is your messiah.
Me: So...I'm, like, already saved then? Cool.

This is right around the time that our young friend called over 'Pastor Steve' to see if there were any bibles left.

Our righteous buddy kindly gave me the holy book, offered his email address and then...gave me back my pen because he "didn't want to steal." Oh, good Lord.

Even the Virgin store was selling religion. Here's Renee with some 'Lookin Good for Jesus' skincare products. Virgin selling Jesus products?! Get it?! Puntastic, eh...

Saved, lotioned up and ready for Jesus. All in a day's holy work.

Life in Los Angeles: women washing cars.

I went to work out in Silverlake this morning and I noticed these women across the street energetically waving signs around advertising 'Car Wash.'

I was surprised to see what I thought were Orthodox Jewish women engaging in a car wash promotion. A) It is Saturday, the Sabbath. B) Orthodox Jewish women just generally don't do things like this. Trust me.

Then I looked up to realize these industrious women were standing in front of the Iglesia Central, something I think--from my time in LA--is a religious Latino thing.

Either way, I felt a bit odd about the prospect of driving up to a car wash where religious women--Hassidic, Catholic, or otherwise--in long skirts and modest wears, would be scrubbing down my car [which is, coincidentally, very, very dirty].

I'd feel better about girls like the below washing my car. They're already demeaning themselves so I don't need to feel guilty about it.

Spiritual awakening.

I woke up at 6:15 am today to attend a 7:15 workout class. In the haze of early morning I noticed, for the first time, the convent down the street from my studio. At just 7 am, the nuns were already outside, eating breakfast, decked out in their usual attire--and I had to wonder at their dedication to something so enigmatic. I spend nearly every day wondering how to find fulfillment--is is through corporate ladder climbing, relationship building, miniature crafting? While these ladies have chosen an invisible, unproven cause to give their lives to. And to me, I can't help thinking that they've chosen a cop-out. To select an entity so elusive, and yet so widely respected that no one will counter your choice, and then to spend your life--not seeking personal joy or facing your morality--but instead worshiping, seems like (perhaps?) the easy path.

And apparently, there are others out there who are in agreement. In time for Christmas, the American Humanist Organization spent $40,000 on an ad campaign stating 'Why believe in God? Just be good, for goodness sake.' Many of are 'good' because the bible threatens us with eternal damnation if we sleep with our sister's husband or eat the banana before we reach the supermarket check-out (not that I've done this. ever.). But being good just because it's the right thing to do, not because we fear a long and hot afterlife--now that is holy.

Trendcentral recently picked up on the theme of questioning God and religion. It's a recurring debate now amongst young (and old) theorists, laymen and spiritualists. And one worth us all engaging in.

Photo Credits: Bus Ad - American Humanist Organization

Elephants and effigies.

Halloween is over and beside relief at its end, I'm left with just a few thoughts.

1. People are stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

2. Larry King is not as easy a costume to pull together as I'd suspected. Graying my hair and giving it the volume necessary to do proper justice to Larry's would have taken far too long. And suspenders; where does one even get suspenders?




3. Horrors are not reserved for just Halloween day. For example, today, Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door at 10:30 in the morning. And believe me, there is nothing more frightful to awaken to on a Saturday.