A [frugal] Jew's guide to Christmas Day.

I hate to perpetuate any stereotype--and I'm fully aware that Jews have a bum rap for being...how to put this nicely...well, frugal--but this member of the tribe is really and truly low on funds this holiday season. And in an ironic twist, I also happen to love Christmas. Hannukah--I can take it or leave it. Yom Kippur--I'm not going a whole day without food for anything, let alone repentance. But the bright lights, pine-scented trees, and fat, gray-haired, red-suited men of Christmas--this secular Jew will celebrate that any day of the year (well, namely just on December 25th).

This year, however, I'll be stuck in So Cal on Christmas Day--loved ones far away and nary a penny to spend on festivities.

So, here's how I'll be celebrating the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

• Cleaning. Cleaning is free. It is fun. It should take up at least 2.5 hours of my day. Which is a start.
• McDonald's. Did you know that Mickey D's is open on Christmas Day? Well, it is. At least the one in K-Town. Hopefully the checker-playing, elderly Korean men of the neighborhood will be out in full force. Because I will talk to them. And I will join in their checkers game. And I will lead them in Christmas songs. You know I'll do it.
• Movies. No, not the in-theatre kind. The rent 'em at Ralph's from the big vending machine for $1 / day kind.
• Wine. Can you say Two Buck Chuck anyone? Sure you can--just try it.

And if all else fails, I will find out where you are celebrating Christmas. And I will crash.

Matzoh and mayhem: the plight of an unleavened Passover pastry.

I am back from the shortest seder I have ever attended. This is the way seders should always have been. I might not have abandoned religion had Passover dinners always been this brief. Growing up, dragged to family members' houses for yearly torture at the dinner table, I used to count the pages in the haggadah, over and over and over again. 'We've gone through 4 pages, there are 77 left,'...'On page 5 now. Only 76, godawful, painstakingly slow pages left to get through.' And so on and so forth. Tonight, the story of the Jews' exodus from Egypt read more like a tabloid than a religous service. I heard 'Moses.' I heard 'Matzoh.' I heard 'wine.' And that was enough for me.

To all of you Jews more religious than myself--well, you're probably still reading about locusts. I'm sorry.

To those of my beloved Goys out there, may you find a chocolate bunny in your easter egg this weekend and may you celebrate the resurrection of Christ in the most fabulous bonnet you can find.

Kisses and unleavened hugs,
Jessie B. R.

Highlights from a week gone by: McLovin, Gordon Ramsay, Home Silverlake

Tuesday night, my lovely friend at Paramount invited me to the premiere of 'I Love You, Man,' the new Paul Rudd/Jason Segel comedy (Rashida Jones, though I love her, is hardly worth mentioning) that takes jabs at bro-dating. Among the motley crew of stars on the red carpet were Ron Jeremy, Jerry Stiller and Jack Black. Then there was actor Christopher Mintz-Plasse--better known as McLovin--skinnier than a manorexic on dexetrin, who took 10 minutes to make it past 40 feet of fans. I believe that one man, who was creepily old for such fan antics, actually said 'I love your work.' I did not realize that one role in a college-humor film constituted 'work.'

At least three people asked why I wasn't wearing green. Who the fu*k knew it was St. Patrick's Day. Jews don't celebrate saints. Ridiculous.

On Wednesday I stayed with my visiting bestie at The London Hotel. If I were to get nitpicky, the digs are too contemporary-slick for my taste. But in general--gorgeous. The beds are like clouds. The baths have triple shower heads--enough said. And Gordon Ramsay at the London has a separate Vegetarian Menu upon request. A secret worth spreading.

I spent my Friday night at Home Silverlake. Scott T. Sterling DJ'ed. Scott Sterling hosted. It might have been confusing but for the differentiating middle initial. Cydney Robinson may be the Janis Joplin of this generation. The voices could make them sisters. But I am pretty sure this one wasn't on crack.



All in a week gone by. Cheers to the next seven days.

Parting thoughts: Facebook has been showing multiple maternity-related ad units on my account. Does it know something I don't? Are my pschographics showing signs of a baby bump only Facebook knows I have?

Happy early Hanukkah from Jessie B. R. and the state of Texas.

I didn't realize there were Jews in the South...or anywhere between LA and New York for that matter. But according to this video, not only are there Jews in Texas, but they sing country. While I'm no News 8 broadcaster, it looks as though this particular Jew, Mark Rubin, also enjoys his fair share of potato pancakes.

I'm sure we'll all want to note that this musical moment was brought to us by Don's Grass & Landscaping.

Happy early Hannukah,
Jessie B. Rubin and my fellow Jews of Austin