The horrors of Halloween.

Someone in the elevator just commented to me that 'everyone's getting into the halloween spirit.' I wonder if he mistook my all black outfit for Halloween spirit. I don't have Halloween spirit. I don't do costumes. I'm just a New Yorker. And even in LA, a New Yorker still needs to don an all black outfit once in a while. To remind herself of her obligatory cynicism and express her mourning for LA's lack of changing seasons.

To all those who are celebrating Halloween tomorrow (oh hell, you've all been trying to push your candy on me all month--you can't even contain your celebrating to a single day any more), enjoy! I hope that a fully grown adult in bear costume frightens you to your heart's content. And then gives you candy. Cause we all need more candy in our lives.

HAPPY  HALLOWEEN.

Elephants and effigies.

Halloween is over and beside relief at its end, I'm left with just a few thoughts.

1. People are stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

2. Larry King is not as easy a costume to pull together as I'd suspected. Graying my hair and giving it the volume necessary to do proper justice to Larry's would have taken far too long. And suspenders; where does one even get suspenders?




3. Horrors are not reserved for just Halloween day. For example, today, Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door at 10:30 in the morning. And believe me, there is nothing more frightful to awaken to on a Saturday.

Halloween. Ghastly.

I've never understood the allure of Halloween.

Ghosts frighten me.










Costumes confuse me.

And often freak me the fuck out.

And feeding candy to children has always just seemed an irresponsible concept.








Though I can't get away with protesting the offensive tradition this year, as my job requires me to celebrate the holiday (I could sue, I imagine, for an affront against my secular beliefs), I plan to treat the day with as much dignity as possible. While in costume as Larry King.

Look out for pics of me as your favorite CNN Host. Next week on Los Angeles: a strange and unsober journey.