And the award for most innovative pickle goes to...

Tonight marks the 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards. Living in Los Angeles, that translates to street closures, high traffic at highly unusual times of the day, and parties. Oh, the parties. But beside the unwelcome interruption to my routine, award shows mean exactly nothing to me. I'd rather spend 4 hours watching reruns of Little House on the Prairie. Or maybe slowly filing my toenails.

If I had to sit in the audience of an award show, however, here are some shows I could possibly tolerate more than I can our film and TV accolades. And I sense the egos of award winners might be less as well.

Name of Award: The Briney
Category: Pickles

Name of Award: The Money Shaker
Category: Creativity in Panhandling

Name of Award:The Orange Jumpsuit
Category: Best in Celebrity Arrests

Name of Award: The Twit
Category: Inane Use of Twitter

Name of Award: The Get Me a Coffee
Category: Assistants to Award Winners